This particular post brings up a lot of feelings but I know this is part of God's story so I will write it. I don't think I've really begun to understand why this chapter of our journey took place, and maybe I never will; but walking in God's will means I know it was for a purpose that will bring glory to my Heavenly Father.
My husband, our two boys and I were settling into our new normal - but things weren't peachy. Hubby was terribly frustrated with his job and was ready to walk away. That weekend I was sure come Monday he was going to walk in and put in his two-week notice. I was terrified because our primary source of income and insurance was supplied through his employer. I also had something else burdening me that weekend - I was late; really late. As I had learned to do in this time in my life, I prayed: God, please tell me you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking because that would just be a whole heaping mess of trouble......
I quietly pulled my husband aside and told him I was late. Neither of us could imagine our current situation growing by one more person. A family of 5? I was already working two jobs and he was going in early to pick up some overtime each week. How could we make it with a huge deductible, another high-risk pregnancy (I spent 5 weeks on bed rest with my 2nd), and a doing-the-best-we-can income? We picked up a pregnancy test and took it... I said there was a line - the test was positive. My husband said there was no line - it was negative. We broke down and bought a digital test that would plainly say "pregnant" or "not pregnant". The next morning we tried again and this time it was clear...... p r e g n a n t.
For a moment the world screeched to a halt and all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I remember crying out in my mind How God?? How can you let me be pregnant again? All my friends who are desperate for children and you want ME to be pregnant again? I can't do this, we can't do this..... *sigh* I trust you.... .but I can't. You'll have to because we can't. Dearest husband realized walking away from his job would be the worst decision possible with a baby on the way. I called my doctor's office to do a confirmation test - which came back positive.
In the meantime, hubby and I worked to come to terms with our new reality. As is our tradition, we give our babies nicknames until we find out the sex and give him/her a real name. Our first born was "tater tot", our second was "squish", and our third was dubbed "peanut". I was struggling a lot with this new reality - partly because I was overwhelmed by being pregnant with my third but also from guilt. More than just a few of my friends had been trying for so long to get pregnant with no luck and heart shattering losses. Meanwhile, my husband looks at me and I get pregnant. It didn't seem fair that God was putting our family down this path, I just didn't understand, but I knew there was a reason.
At that time I had a friend who was pregnant with her first child - a girl named Adelynn. She had discovered that Adelynn had anencephaly - a disorder where in the earliest days of pregnancy the neural tube doesn't close and the baby's brain does not develop properly. The condition is 100% fatal and most Mothers choose to abort. These friends felt their daughter deserved to live even if only in the womb and chose to continue the pregnancy. I became a prayer warrior for Adelynn and her parents and God convicted me during that time. What would Adelynn's parents give to have a healthy child? My other friends who wanted babies, what would they give? I was being selfish. God chose me to be Peanut's Mommy and I would embrace it. My heart started to change and my husband and I began to embrace the idea of having three kids. My firstborn was in 3rd grade and old enough to understand so we talked with him about being a big brother again. Our second was just over a year old and we contemplated how different it would be to have two in diapers.
Then one day I noticed some spotting. Although its always alarming, as a two-pregnancy veteran I knew it wasn't something to go rushing off to the ER about and some spotting could be normal. I would just keep an eye on it. As the day went on the spotting got heavier and heavier - that was NOT normal. I knew in my heart it was especially abnormal for me... I knew deep down we had lost Peanut. I didn't feel relief, I felt a pain I had never known.... the ache of what could have been. What was the point of all this? Why would God allow us to get pregnant and then end it so quickly? Was I being punished for being so selfish? I'm sorry God!! I'm so sorry..... please....
I called my doctor's office again and they made us an appointment. The pregnancy test we took when we arrived at my appointment came back negative. My doctor did an ultrasound to find out how far the pregnancy progressed and determine what our next course of action would be. The ultrasound showed nothing, there was nothing there.... My doctor explained that I had probably conceived but the baby didn't implant - it's called a chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. I wouldn't need any further medical intervention, my body was already doing what it needed to do. My doctor told me what issues to call him about and gave us a moment to come to grips with what had just happened. The nurse at my doctor's office is a friend, attends our church, and took care of me during my 2nd pregnancy. It was a comfort having her in the room when we got the bad news. She chatted with us a few minutes and then it was all over. Back to .... normal? Nothing was normal....
We explained to my oldest what happened - that Peanut didn't develop the way he (we just assumed boy since we're 2 for 2 there) needed to and the pregnancy didn't "stick". I explained that no matter what anyone says or does, Peanut was real and our child (his sibling) and one day we'll meet Peanut in Heaven. He'll be there waiting for us. We'll meet Peanut, one day.
I don't know why Peanut arrived and left from our lives so quickly. I believe it was partly to keep husband and I completely dependent on God and on path with the plan He had for us. I also know that I have been able to minster and fellowship with friends who've lost sweet little ones before they were able to meet in a way I never could before. I've also been able to validate for a few women that they aren't crazy, they really were pregnant, and it is a real loss. I believe life begins at conception... and that means even though Peanut hadn't formed a heart yet, or really formed anything at all, he was a person because:
My husband, our two boys and I were settling into our new normal - but things weren't peachy. Hubby was terribly frustrated with his job and was ready to walk away. That weekend I was sure come Monday he was going to walk in and put in his two-week notice. I was terrified because our primary source of income and insurance was supplied through his employer. I also had something else burdening me that weekend - I was late; really late. As I had learned to do in this time in my life, I prayed: God, please tell me you aren't thinking what I think you're thinking because that would just be a whole heaping mess of trouble......
For a moment the world screeched to a halt and all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I remember crying out in my mind How God?? How can you let me be pregnant again? All my friends who are desperate for children and you want ME to be pregnant again? I can't do this, we can't do this..... *sigh* I trust you.... .but I can't. You'll have to because we can't. Dearest husband realized walking away from his job would be the worst decision possible with a baby on the way. I called my doctor's office to do a confirmation test - which came back positive.
At that time I had a friend who was pregnant with her first child - a girl named Adelynn. She had discovered that Adelynn had anencephaly - a disorder where in the earliest days of pregnancy the neural tube doesn't close and the baby's brain does not develop properly. The condition is 100% fatal and most Mothers choose to abort. These friends felt their daughter deserved to live even if only in the womb and chose to continue the pregnancy. I became a prayer warrior for Adelynn and her parents and God convicted me during that time. What would Adelynn's parents give to have a healthy child? My other friends who wanted babies, what would they give? I was being selfish. God chose me to be Peanut's Mommy and I would embrace it. My heart started to change and my husband and I began to embrace the idea of having three kids. My firstborn was in 3rd grade and old enough to understand so we talked with him about being a big brother again. Our second was just over a year old and we contemplated how different it would be to have two in diapers.
Then one day I noticed some spotting. Although its always alarming, as a two-pregnancy veteran I knew it wasn't something to go rushing off to the ER about and some spotting could be normal. I would just keep an eye on it. As the day went on the spotting got heavier and heavier - that was NOT normal. I knew in my heart it was especially abnormal for me... I knew deep down we had lost Peanut. I didn't feel relief, I felt a pain I had never known.... the ache of what could have been. What was the point of all this? Why would God allow us to get pregnant and then end it so quickly? Was I being punished for being so selfish? I'm sorry God!! I'm so sorry..... please....
We explained to my oldest what happened - that Peanut didn't develop the way he (we just assumed boy since we're 2 for 2 there) needed to and the pregnancy didn't "stick". I explained that no matter what anyone says or does, Peanut was real and our child (his sibling) and one day we'll meet Peanut in Heaven. He'll be there waiting for us. We'll meet Peanut, one day.
I don't know why Peanut arrived and left from our lives so quickly. I believe it was partly to keep husband and I completely dependent on God and on path with the plan He had for us. I also know that I have been able to minster and fellowship with friends who've lost sweet little ones before they were able to meet in a way I never could before. I've also been able to validate for a few women that they aren't crazy, they really were pregnant, and it is a real loss. I believe life begins at conception... and that means even though Peanut hadn't formed a heart yet, or really formed anything at all, he was a person because:
Ecclesiastes 11:5 ESV - As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.
I feel for you, my dear. Having experienced the same thing, I totally understand how wrenching this can be, even though it all happened to quickly. I love you.
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