If you've spent any time at all on this blog, you've noticed I have a huge heart for an organization called Hope Mommies.  If you grieve a small life, this organization is incredible and I encourage you to hook up with them.  Like them on Facebook, join the community, read the blog, hang out at the website and so much more!

Last year, the Dallas Chapter of Hope Mommies organized the first annual 5k in memory of our precious children in glory.  I wanted so badly to attend, but had a scheduling conflict.  Just this week, the Dallas Chapter posted the details for this year's run!  I was jumping out of my skin with excitement.  

The Facebook event page can be found by clicking: HERE 

You can register online by clicking: HERE

"Jodi - are you seriously going to attempt a 5k?"

YES!!  With every fiber of my being yes!!  I am already doing Couch to 5K (c25k) training with my oldest son.  He's so excited to be running in memory of his siblings and I'm loving the Mother-Son time we get doing it.  If you are interested in training for a 5k (or simply getting into the habit of exercising for FREE) here are some links for you:

• Training program overview: The Couch to 5K ® Running Plan
• Only eight weeks to go from couch potato to runner. It's an easy program to follow that builds you up gradually.  I plan to add weights to my run so I am always at the weight I am now, even when my body starts loosing it's own bulk.
• Trainer app I'm using: C25K®
• Turn it on, take off.  The voice prompts tell you everything to do as you go.  I never even have to look at my phone except to start/end my training session.  How simple is that!?
• Christian themed workout playlists: Christian + Workout radio stations 
• Everybody needs some tunes.  These may not be your style, but I'm really enjoying them.

Race, Sponsor, Donate

I would really like to have a group of 20+ people to love and support each other and Hope Mommies from all over not just Dallas-Fort Worth, but the whole state of Texas, and maybe even the country too!  You can run the actual race (which is what #1 and I are doing) or participate in a 1-mile walk (which is what Hubs is considering doing with #2&3).  #1 son and I are also willing to train with anyone who's interested.  There's nothing quite as motivating as doing something like this as a family.

I love that there are still ways to contribute to the event by donating for the silent auction or becoming a race sponsor.  Interested donors can send an email to monicakhirallah@gmail.com.  Interested sponsors should email dallas@hopemommies.org.

Race Details - 2nd Annual Hope Mommies 5k and 1 Mile Fun Run

Saturday, October 15 at 7 AM - 11 AM
University of Dallas
1845 E Northgate Dr, Irving, Texas 75062

Race Day Schedule:

• 7:00 AM Walk-up Registration Opens
• 8:00 AM Registration closes
• 8:00 AM Opening Ceremony/Announcements
• 8:15 AM 5K Runners start
• 8:20 AM 1 Mile Walkers/Runners start
• 9:15 AM Winners announced
• Pending city permit approval, we will have a balloon release.
• Alternatively, we will have a prayer and song honoring our babies.
• 10:00 AM Silent Auction ends
• 10:30 AM Silent Auction winners announced
• Clean up to follow

Remember...

The Facebook event page can be found by clicking: HERE 

You can register online by clicking: HERE

When you become a Hope Mommy you are quick to realize there are no guarantees. There is no magical week that you pass and suddenly there are safe guards for how the rest of your pregnancy will go.  It's by the grace of God alone we manage to develop from a single celled organism to complex human beings.  Pregnancy, for me, may be the most obvious evidence of an intelligent creator.

Last night was our last group chat for the Hope Mommies bible study.  A comment was made about "ending on a loss"; meaning not being able to have another baby after the loss of a pregnancy or child.  No rainbow baby to hold up Lion King style and show the world how great God is.

That was the moment when God spoke to me.  You see, I have struggled with my self-centeredness and lack of sensitivity since the summer.  I wanted God to show me where I needed fixing and heal those areas.  Friendships may have been damaged irreparably, but I still believe that God placed those people in my life to show me things about myself He needed me to see.  This was one of those times when I needed to have a teachable spirit.

Several of the Hope Mommies talked candidly about not being able to have a rainbow baby and how shattering it is to know they were ending on a loss.  My world halted for a moment. I was transported back to that place where the last thing I would remember about my "child bearing years" would be the loss of our Blueberry.  There is a void, a vacuum, a space in that moment that sucks the air right out of your lungs again.

And in that moment, I understood.

Had I been self-centered?  Yes.  Had I been insensitive?  Yes.  I failed to realize the gravity of "ending on a loss" for someone.  I did not fully understand that very real hurt, void, vacuum, space left in someone's life.  I was not ending on a loss, for me those feelings were temporary.  For someone else, they were all they had left.  God broke my heart for what broke theirs.  He answered my prayers after faithfully looking to him for answers.  He not only showed me where I had gone wrong, but how it had a ripple effect in the world around me.  God also reminded me that forgiveness is His to give and so is healing.

None of us knows what our "ever after" on Earth will be, only God knows that.  Thankfully, I do know what my ever after when I leave this world will be!  I will meet my babies. I will meet the babies of so many friends who've walked a loss journey of their own.  We will live in eternity with our creator and savior, forever together with no more pain, loss, or heartbreak.  We will be made whole again.

I am thankful for the women God brought into my life to teach me where I had gone wrong.  I'm thankful to the individual(s) who were willing to point out an area I needed to give to God for repairs.  You may never know the depth of what God accomplished through you, but I pray that for each moment I have left on this Earth I can use this lesson wisely!

As I'm sitting here with what I assume to be a baby butt pushing and rolling around in my uterus it makes me wonder; how can a baby not be a living person until he or she is delivered?  Honestly, this little guy in my womb has just as much personality as his brothers.  He moves, reacts, and wiggles just like they do.  Just one of those passing thoughts I get sometimes as I try to enjoy the last few weeks of our pregnancy.  

Assuming all continues splendidly, our repeat c-section is six weeks away. When I'm not feeling well, that feels like an eternity.  When the anxiety creeps in or I think about how much is left on the pre-baby to-do list, it feels like no where near enough time.  God reminds me daily that he has already planned out the course for us.  He has gone far ahead and mapped out all the details in perfect harmony.

Whether my pregnancy health continues well or deteriorates, good weather or bad, ready or not I know the Creator who hung the stars has already worked out every moment in advance.  All I have to do is trust Him and know that whatever transpires, it is happening according to His plan.  That is what I have prayed for from Day 1 and that's all I can ask for.

As another hope mommy safely delivered her rainbow child this week, my heart was filled with thanksgiving yet again.  God doesn't always answer our prayers exactly in the way we'd want, but when He shows himself mightily, I cannot help but feel gratitude.  Babies seem like the most obvious sign of our creator.  I have come to understand the miracle necessary to simply get pregnant, but then to continue a pregnancy, and deliver a healthy child is a miracle.  

In light, my grateful heart has been enjoying this Psalm over and over lately as I revel in the glory of my Great Big God who I'm thankful to daily serve (even when I fail miserably).

Psalm 138 — A Prayer of Thanksgiving

1 I thank you, Lord, with all my heart;
   I sing praise to you before the gods.
2 I face your holy Temple,
   bow down, and praise your name
   because of your constant love and faithfulness,
   because you have shown that your name and your commands are supreme.
3 You answered me when I called to you;
   with your strength you strengthened me.
4 All the kings in the world will praise you, Lord,
   because they have heard your promises.
5 They will sing about what you have done
   and about your great glory.
6 Even though you are so high above,
   you care for the lowly,
   and the proud cannot hide from you.
7 When I am surrounded by troubles,
   you keep me safe.
   You oppose my angry enemies
   and save me by your power.
8 You will do everything you have promised;
   Lord, your love is eternal.
   Complete the work that you have begun.

Ten days between posts is just unacceptable!  I have the best audience ever because you guys stick with me even if I don't post regularly.  For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  :)

What's new?  

J is potty training.  He turns three on the 27th and he's been 70% of the way there for quite some time.  This weekend T is off on a cub scout camping trip so I figured now is the perfect time. Since his class in the church nursery has the teeny-weeny little toddler size toilets and the teachers are good about having them go potty, I figure we have nothing to lose!  Except maybe some money on next month's water bill from all the extra laundry, lol.

When I get an idea for a blog post, I generally begin a draft and write my "idea" down so I can write the full post later.  Let's be honest, when you have a family to manage you don't always get to write when inspiration strikes.  This particular draft has probably been sitting in my drafts for close to a week now.

Friend and fellow blogger Kristin Schmucker recently posted about how her arms will ache for the child she delivered stillborn.  I also ache often for my children in glory that were lost through miscarriage.  Then I thought about something...  is that ache we feel for the children who are "lost" to us is a glimpse of the ache the Father has for the children who are "lost" to Him.

Because of our fear of enduring another miscarriage, hubby and I had been very careful to avoid the fertile time in my cycle.  One day, I realized that we had been unsuccessful in avoiding it and I was immediately overcome with fear.  Fear, however, does not come from God.  Fear only entered the world along with sin and brought company like shame and doubt.

As I have been learning to do, I began to seek out scriptures to calm my heart and find out what God wanted me to know.  One thing I did was go on Facebook and post the following:
"If you can see this please pick a number between 1 and 1,138 - go high or low. Then say a prayer for me. I'm wrestling with something tonight."

Over the next few days friends from all over the country, who had no idea what I was struggling with, began picking page numbers.  I read each one diligently seeking the truths God had waiting for me.  Not all of them were applicable, but most of them lead me to read more and seek more.  A few were obvious messages from the Lord.  From all the reading I did over the next few days, these verses were illuminated for me, in exactly this order!

Now you get to know why things have been so crazy around here! 

Yes, we're expecting a baby in January 2015.  After the journey we've been on this has been such a time of excitement, joy, fear, and faith.  I'm thankful for so many prayer warriors who have surrounded us and prayed the promises of Christ into our pregnancy.  

I had originally made a goal of getting out every day during summer break and I tried it out this week.  By the time I dragged my sore, exhausted body into bed last night I knew had to modify that plan quick!  Today I have no energy or motivation to do anything that doesn't require minimal energy expenditure! Before you start picturing me sitting in a chair covered in cheese puff dust I still have my big kid's rocket to finish for scouts tonight (he did most of it), a busy into-everything toddler to chase, and gobs of housework to be done...  I'm just doing it all much slower than usual.

Speaking of my kids - y'all pray for me.  I've been having a very hard time keeping my temper in check the last couple of weeks.  I'm sure it has a lot do to do with my due date coming up but my patience and self-control have flown the coop.  It's going to take a whole lot of divine intervention to get us all back to a good place.  I'm struggling and I'm finally willing to admit it, even though several of my friends already knew, thankfully they have found ways of delicately calling my bluff.

No lamp and light today updates my friends, but if you are following along, today I read Isaiah 55-57.  Mondays and Tuesdays are our weekends (minus our oldest being at school for a good chunk of the day) so I spent it doing family-centered things.  We even got to spend a couple of hours, just the four of us, in our pool this afternoon being silly.  It was a long time coming and memories were made that will last a lifetime!  I hope that we never forget how to just be silly because I think it's even better medicine than just plain old laughter.

After a busy day, I slept HARD!!  The kind where you're asleep the instant you get comfortable and next thing you know it's well into the next morning.  Those kinds of sleep are rare for me, but I'm thankful that the kids were worn out too. Today isn't a normal Saturday since our roommate, who we've loved hosting, is moving out today.  It's bittersweet, but I'm focusing on the positives.  She's excited about the future and I'm looking forward to not having to be as mindful about what I'm wearing.  =D

Day 17| Isaiah 49-51

This morning's reading was about God comforting his people and calling them to do what he's asked them to.  Will I recognize that God will give me the strength to carry his message or will I decide I'm not able (which I'm not) and throw in the towel?  You know that phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle?"  THAT'S NOT TRUE!  God will give you more than you could ever handle on your own to make you aware of and dependent upon His strength, grace and mercy.

I couldn't bring myself to blog yesterday.  I spent a lot of time talking with God and trying to figure out what the Biblical response to a particular situation was.  I haven't felt burdened like that in a very long time.  Thankfully, God always responds when you go looking for him and I found the words I needed to say to myself and to others.

I was able to end the day by watching my friend's precious 2 1/2 week old son for the night and it totally made up for the anguish of my morning.  Admittedly, sleeping on our couch (because our bedroom was far too cold for a baby) may not have been the epitome of luxury sleeping, it was great to have the opportunity to love on that little guy so his Momma could rest and heal.  I'd secretly like her to throw her back out more often - how terrible is that!?

Today, we're back to normal with the littles destroying the house (and attempting to destroy each other in the process).  I have my giant mug-o-coffee and am sitting down to do my reading for today.  I have been looking forward to these chapters since the beginning of the #lampandlight scripture challenge!   More than once, I have found verses that soothed and ache in my heart nothing of this world would satisfy.  I'm eager to be able to revisit them from a place of joy and peace rather than storms and brokenness.  

Day 15| Isaiah 43-45

I encourage you to read these chapters today.  There is so much to be gleaned from them that I fear I simply won't do them justice.  

..... And it doesn't help that the littles are on a rampage.  Intervention time, wish me luck!!

I have to thank my prayer warriors.  A few days ago I posted on Facebook that I was struggling with something and wasn't sure what God was calling me to do.  I posted this on my Facebook profile: "If you can see this please pick a number between 1 and 1,138 - go high or low. Then say a prayer for me. I'm wrestling with something tonight."

For each number my friends gave me, I read that page in my bible.  I felt like I need to bounce around and see what God had for me.  It felt great and I gleaned some real perspective from what I was reading.  I could tell my friends had been praying for me because I felt a clearer understanding of what I was supposed to do.  I made my decision that I was being called and now it's up to God to put the rest of the pieces into place.  Vague?  Yes.  I don't want to run around pretending like I know what God has in store for me.  I will wait patiently for the Lord's will and His perfect timing no matter what He has planned!

What a busy, wonderful, bittersweet weekend!  I didn't blog because we had so many things happening and I had to carefully use my minutes to meet my family's needs.  I did read my bible all weekend!  :)  It wasn't easy and on Saturday I think I only got one chapter read - but the point was to READ and I managed to at least do that.

Mother's Day is terribly bittersweet around here.  I have several friends and extended family members who have lost their mothers, some lost them quite young.  By nature of my own loss, I have befriended many women who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage, infant death, stillbirth... as you can imagine the level of grieving on Mother's Day is indescribable! I prayed for them on Mother's Day, that despite the sadness there would be incredibly sweet, comforting moments as well.  Laughter through the tears! 

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you know I believe deeply that God provides for us in abundance when we are walking in His will for our lives.  I didn't think about this at first, but a series of events were put into motion months ago that have really shown God's provision in our lives.  It started with the group of people we met in our small group through church.  This 'semester' of small groups began in February and we were with some friends as well as some new folks.  We never imagined how God would use these people in our lives.

Do you know loosing Blueberry probably saved me from years of wondering what was wrong with me?  When I got pregnant with Blueberry, my OB discovered that my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) was low and he put me on a synthetic thyroid hormone.  In case you don't know, a developing baby doesn't have it's own thyroid until much later so that itty-bitty needs yours!  If you aren't producing enough thyroid hormone on your own... it can cause issues. When we lost Blueberry, he started to suspect that my thyroid and the miscarriage were related.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

Looking back...

I can say that 2013 was quite a year in nearly every area of our life.  I got pregnant twice and lost both babies - Peanut and Blueberry.  I continued to be a waitress and even took on a second job temping for a major construction company doing marketing.  That was a love-hate relationship if I ever had one!  Although it challenged every fiber of my being and faith, it also help me shed some of my old self so the new could come.  God will gain glory no matter your circumstances!!  :)  By September, I felt like God knew that it was time for us to make a change.  Hubby was given a new position and we realized that financially it was silly for me to keep working like I had been.  I left BOTH my jobs and began staying home with our children.  Financially, we were going to make it if I was able to save the same amount we were spending between gas, childcare, meals, and everything else.  God provided and this endeavor has been successful! We're thriving as a one income family and God gets all the credit!

When everything gets turned upside down for some reason, everyone just wants to find new normal.  We want to find that place where we feel like we have some kind of control, we know what to expect, we know what's coming so we know how to react, what to think, and how to feel.  As it always does, normal eventually comes but sometimes, just as you find your new normal, there's an upheaval all over again.

Today I saw a sliver of normal.  My husband came home from a very long day of school just before my eldest son got home from school.  Our toddler had just gotten up from his nap and for the first time in weeks the four of us in were in the same room and there was no yelling, crying, or anger; just peace in the midst the noise and chaos.  It was a healing moment and quite frankly I was starting to wonder if I'd ever see a moment like that again!

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Do what!?  I know, there is a lot of "comfort" in that verse.  That's the English Standard Version - the version I like the best.  Here's the New Century Version translation that makes this verse a little easier on the brain:

As some of you may remember, back in August I lost my car in an accident. Our finances sure did enjoy the break from a second car payment and insurance but dear husband (DH) had so many (valid)  reasons why we needed to get a second car. I have been trying to convince DH that we could be a one car family. Things were going well until the weekend Judgement House began at our church.  DH needed the car to get to/from work and I was going to be coming/going from Judgement House at the same times!  Thankfully, my church family is wonderful and within 24 hours I was able to arrange rides to/from Judgement House for all six days it runs!  Unfortunately, the whole scenario just made DH's case that we need to have a second vehicle.  I prayed about it - God, I don't know how we are going to afford a second car.  If we really need one, please make a way.  Otherwise, please help him see that we can live happily with one car.

This blog post was supposed to be very different.  I was supposed to have cutesy pictures with pumpkins... or numbers.... or shoes all lined up in a row.  I was going to be able to explain my relative blog silence with just two simple words. If I have learned anything in the three years I have been getting to know Jesus, I have definitely learned that His plans are not our plans.  They almost never are.... 

Isaiah 55:8-9

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.