Count it all joy, my brothers,[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

I've always tried to be genuine, open, and honest.  There is no joy counting here; none.  I'm not running around thanking God for the challenges we've faced this last week.  I have seen God move in our lives though and it always leads me back to this one quote:

“I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages” 

― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

On Friday evening Baby R managed to grab a little kettle of near-boiling hot water restaurants give you for tea and dump it in his lap.  The next 16 hours were all a blur of activity!  After three emergency rooms, two ambulance rides, and a whole lot of prayer warriors we ended up being admitted to hospital with a cutting edge burn center.  Baby R had 2nd degree burns over 8% of his body (read that as the front of his leg, thigh to ankle). We were discharged by the burn center on Saturday afternoon and looked forward to recuperating at home.  Sunday we missed church (obviously) but Baby R played and was his usual self all day long.

Then early Monday morning, Baby R started throwing up.  He couldn't hold down anything, including his pain meds.  Once we hit 12+ hours without Baby R being able to take in any fluids, his burn surgeon suggested we bring him back to the ER because dehydration is a major issue.  Not just for little guys but also for burn victims.  We spent 16 more hours in an ER on Monday, but Baby R was able to get re-hydrated and some medicine to help him keep food and medicine down.  The medical staff assumed it was a virus, likely picked up in one of the ERs so we would just have to let it run it's course.

As soon as he got some fluids, Baby R perked right back up!

Tuesday, our Preschooler J started vomiting.  It was frustrating because we were still exhausted, but also a slight relief because it confirmed that the burn injury had not caused Baby R's vomiting. Whew, I'm putting even the smallest blessings in the win column!  By Wednesday, Baby R and Preschooler J were over the vomiting.  However, Tween T woke up throwing up.  At that point, I started to wonder if we were all destined to succumb to whatever virus Baby R brought home. 

Baby R was trying his best to make Preschooler J feel better.

So what now? What could I possibly take away from this whole ordeal.  First, I have a strange sense of being fulfilled; sustained.  I am tired and overwhelmed, but my soul is filled to brimming.  I started to write out all that I have seen God doing, but the list was getting so long and Baby R is about to wake up.  Maybe one day soon, when I'm rested, I can reflect back and stitch together all God is doing. 

In the meantime, if I don't post much.... you know why.

As I'm sitting here with what I assume to be a baby butt pushing and rolling around in my uterus it makes me wonder; how can a baby not be a living person until he or she is delivered?  Honestly, this little guy in my womb has just as much personality as his brothers.  He moves, reacts, and wiggles just like they do.  Just one of those passing thoughts I get sometimes as I try to enjoy the last few weeks of our pregnancy.  

Assuming all continues splendidly, our repeat c-section is six weeks away. When I'm not feeling well, that feels like an eternity.  When the anxiety creeps in or I think about how much is left on the pre-baby to-do list, it feels like no where near enough time.  God reminds me daily that he has already planned out the course for us.  He has gone far ahead and mapped out all the details in perfect harmony.

Whether my pregnancy health continues well or deteriorates, good weather or bad, ready or not I know the Creator who hung the stars has already worked out every moment in advance.  All I have to do is trust Him and know that whatever transpires, it is happening according to His plan.  That is what I have prayed for from Day 1 and that's all I can ask for.

As another hope mommy safely delivered her rainbow child this week, my heart was filled with thanksgiving yet again.  God doesn't always answer our prayers exactly in the way we'd want, but when He shows himself mightily, I cannot help but feel gratitude.  Babies seem like the most obvious sign of our creator.  I have come to understand the miracle necessary to simply get pregnant, but then to continue a pregnancy, and deliver a healthy child is a miracle.  

In light, my grateful heart has been enjoying this Psalm over and over lately as I revel in the glory of my Great Big God who I'm thankful to daily serve (even when I fail miserably).

Psalm 138 — A Prayer of Thanksgiving

1 I thank you, Lord, with all my heart;
   I sing praise to you before the gods.
2 I face your holy Temple,
   bow down, and praise your name
   because of your constant love and faithfulness,
   because you have shown that your name and your commands are supreme.
3 You answered me when I called to you;
   with your strength you strengthened me.
4 All the kings in the world will praise you, Lord,
   because they have heard your promises.
5 They will sing about what you have done
   and about your great glory.
6 Even though you are so high above,
   you care for the lowly,
   and the proud cannot hide from you.
7 When I am surrounded by troubles,
   you keep me safe.
   You oppose my angry enemies
   and save me by your power.
8 You will do everything you have promised;
   Lord, your love is eternal.
   Complete the work that you have begun.

Ever since my hiatus, I've been really off my routine.  I always find it interesting how thrown off even the tiniest changes in our day can be.  I can see over the years where I would stop/start doing something out of necessity and it would snowball into a complete change in behavior.  For example, when I went back to work keeping my house was lower priority than time with my kids.  I got out of the habit of cleaning like I did when I was a young homemaker. Despite having been home for over a year now, I still only do the bare minimum and spend more time goofing off with my kids.  Yes, I'm at least spending that time with the boys, but there are drawbacks.  My organization system has crumbled and I've turned into the queen of piles.  When I "clean up" it's usually knocking down piles and picking up messes that creep back within a few hours.

Filling the Tank

Another area in my life that has taken a hit is my bible study.  I was doing so well for a while; purposefully getting into God's word every single day.  The last couple of months I've done a terrible job of opening my bible and reading.  I am still exposed to scripture regularly, which is a huge plus and has probably kept me fueled.  The issue is that being exposed to scripture is like filling a gas tank that has 1/4 left to only 1/2 a tank - it runs out quickly and really affects how well you run.  Purposeful bible study takes a 1/4 tank and fills it up completely.  That full tank takes a lot longer to burn off fuel and you run so much better!

This is me purposing and holding myself accountable to you to read my bible.  I'm looking forward to finding some of the advent scriptures to do with the boys as Christmas approaches.  For myself, I think I'm going to do a more structured study than usual.  Last year, hubby bought me several bible study guides.  The one I really want to do I can't find (not shocking with my lack of organization) so until it turns up I'll work through a book of devotional prayer Beth Moore wrote called Praying God's Word Day by Day.  Since it's already dated, I just added the year for today's date so looking back I can recall when/where I was when I read that page.

What struck a cord with me today is that God is faithful even when we are lacking in our own faith (2 Timothy 2:13) and when we are lacking in our own faith it doesn't change that He is still faithful to us (Romans 2:23).  What he portions out to us is not dependent or proportional to how faithful we are to him.  Thank God for that because otherwise I would be up a very smelly creek without a paddle and there's a hole in the boat!!  

Baby Update!

I haven't posted about our rainbow in a little while so let's do a quick update.   Some of you know I've been reluctant to post a bump pic; especially since receiving some criticism (not wrongly; mistakes were made) for my insensitivity to those who's hearts yearn for a little one. 

That being said, I also feel like God wants me to boast in His glory and His gift in allowing me to carry our fifth child. So thanks be to God that He's given us 29 healthy weeks with Roman Lee!  Yes, we picked a name...

Roman = strong, powerful
Lee = healer

We're prayerfully looking forward to another 10 weeks before Roman makes his debut!  As of today, Roman is 29 weeks old (7, almost 8, months) and enjoys synchronized womb judo, coffee, and Laffy Taffy. He dislikes dinner, Mommy brushing her teeth, and anything touching his bump. 

Many friends and loved ones are walking difficult roads right now.  We can say we have faith, trust God's plan, know better days are ahead.  We may even believe it; but what do you do when it's more than you can take to simply put on foot in front of the other?

I'm reminded of a night, just before Christmas, when I was still in training at the restaurant.  We were exceptionally busy and I was running circles - bread, beverage station, bar, appetizers, salads, entrees... I was running an inside marathon!

My feet, legs, and hips ached in ways I couldn't describe.  My head was throbbing and I was so tired I couldn't see straight.  I remember I had just picked up an order of drinks and was headed down the hallway to my section.  That hallway was maybe a few dozen feet, but in that moment, it was miles!

In my heart and head I begged God for help.  I could barely move under my own power and we weren't even through the dinner rush.  How could I put one foot in front of another when my legs felt like they would give out with each step?!  God, help me.  I can't make it through this night without you.  You said in our weakness we will be made strong.  I'm so tired. Hurting so much.  I can't go on without you!  Please just keep me moving!!  Don't let me fall...

I barely remember the rest of that night.  Its like a scratched DVD that skips and hops all over the place.  I plastered on a smile around customers and winced in agony in the kitchen.  I tried to convince myself I'd survive when I was pretty sure I was about to drop. At the end of that shift, I remember sitting in my car thanking God for every ounce of endurance He gave me.  I knew, in that moment, that I could rely on Him to help me make it when I just don't have the fortitude to do it on my own.

We all have those moments.  Maybe yours is physical.  For some it's mental, emotional, even spiritual.  Dare I say, a combination of them all?  Sometimes we don't have the wherewithal to keep moving.  Our agony is too great, the burden too heavy, and our bodies are about to buckle under the strain.

This is where lots of people say "God will never give you more than you can handle".  I don't believe that, although my Mom and I have agreed to disagree on it's scriptural authenticity.  I believe God often gives, Christians especially, more than we can handle.  Why?  Two reasons.  (1) To make sure we remain reliant on Him, lest we start to believe we can handle this life thing all on our own.  (2) To send us running back to Him and His word so we can be more fulfilled by Him. 

I have learned an important lesson the last couple of years. When the going gets tough, run to God.  He's waiting for you to simply trust Him to do what He's promised.  What did He promise exactly?  The Bible is filled with his promises to us so I encourage you to begin there.  

Here's a sampling of the promises I stand on when I can't stand on my own.  What are some of your go-to verses when the storms rage?

—Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

—Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

—Isaiah 40:29-31 "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."

Ten days between posts is just unacceptable!  I have the best audience ever because you guys stick with me even if I don't post regularly.  For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  :)

What's new?  

J is potty training.  He turns three on the 27th and he's been 70% of the way there for quite some time.  This weekend T is off on a cub scout camping trip so I figured now is the perfect time. Since his class in the church nursery has the teeny-weeny little toddler size toilets and the teachers are good about having them go potty, I figure we have nothing to lose!  Except maybe some money on next month's water bill from all the extra laundry, lol.

If you follow me on social media, you know I did my Day 5 reading pretty late.  The goal however, was to get it done and I did!  Proverbs 15, pictured below pre-highlighter.

Today was a busy one for me.  Not only did hubby and I mark our 12th anniversary today, we had a pool party that ended just an hour before a wedding!  I promised myself months ago this would be my last weekend to double up events.  From here on out, I only do one big event per day.  I'm glad I promised myself that because I'm only 19 weeks (5 months) and I find more and more things becoming a challenge.  I'm still embracing EVERY SINGLE DAY with our little "Cranberry", knowing that our child could be required of us at any time.  As Proverbs 16:1 says: We may make our plans, but God has the last word.

This verse has come up a lot over the last couple of years, and I never really understood it:

Ephesians 6:12 (ESV)
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

You might notice, that's the English Standard Version.  If you know me, you know I do my reading at home from the Good News Translation.  Here's how the same verse reads from GNT:

Ephesians 6:12 (GNT)
For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world, the rulers, authorities, and cosmic powers of this dark age.

For once, a different translation doesn't do too much to help with understanding, at least it hadn't for me.  I didn't really understand this verse for a long time.  It's only been recently that I've begun to be able to see how this verse applies to our human experience. I've really had to pray for God to give me the words for this post; for Him to bring clarity and understanding that only He can provide.  I certainly cannot do it alone.

Because of our fear of enduring another miscarriage, hubby and I had been very careful to avoid the fertile time in my cycle.  One day, I realized that we had been unsuccessful in avoiding it and I was immediately overcome with fear.  Fear, however, does not come from God.  Fear only entered the world along with sin and brought company like shame and doubt.

As I have been learning to do, I began to seek out scriptures to calm my heart and find out what God wanted me to know.  One thing I did was go on Facebook and post the following:
"If you can see this please pick a number between 1 and 1,138 - go high or low. Then say a prayer for me. I'm wrestling with something tonight."

Over the next few days friends from all over the country, who had no idea what I was struggling with, began picking page numbers.  I read each one diligently seeking the truths God had waiting for me.  Not all of them were applicable, but most of them lead me to read more and seek more.  A few were obvious messages from the Lord.  From all the reading I did over the next few days, these verses were illuminated for me, in exactly this order!

This week has been quite a roller coaster ride!  Sunday morning we were on our way into church when my toddler tripped over his own two feet and face planted in the parking lot.  He didn't have time to put his hands out to stop himself so he busted open the inside of his lip badly enough that we called the paramedics.  After checking him out they let us know that he would certainly need stitches and was stable enough for us to transport to the hospital if we wanted to.  In the end, J got two stitches to close his lip and a CT scan which confirmed he didn't break any of the bones in his face - thank God!!  We just needed to follow up with his primary care doctor in one week to follow up on his healing process.

Now you get to know why things have been so crazy around here! 

Yes, we're expecting a baby in January 2015.  After the journey we've been on this has been such a time of excitement, joy, fear, and faith.  I'm thankful for so many prayer warriors who have surrounded us and prayed the promises of Christ into our pregnancy.  

I originally intended to keep all the updates on Jon Jon from Momma bear in one post, but it might get a little hard to follow.  I'll keep links in the bottom to previous entries in case you are following along with his progress.

Yesterday, Jon Jon has his second of many surgeries.  Momma Bear always explains it best so I'll give you a direct quote:

No Hell for me, thanks!  I'm already too hot and I'm only in North Texas!  We're quickly approaching our first 100° days of the summer; this is when I get most uncomfortable.  I wish we had an electric-included apartment where you can crank the air conditioner down into the 60's and just bask in the frigid, but alas we have our own home with an electric bill to pay.  So for now, I'll have to make do with what we have, and even though it's not great I thank God for our central AC and two smaller window units to keep us cooler in here than we would be out there.

That was the title staring me in the face when I opened Galatians 6 (where I left off in my blogging the bible endeavor).  I have such a testimony unfolding about reaching out to your church family when you are in need and being supported prayerfully, lovingly all along the way.  I cannot wait to tell you about it, but that's another post for another day.  For now, let's conclude our walk through Galatians!

This morning several friends posted an article from the San Francisco Globe called "10 Habits of Happy Couples".  It is an interesting read and makes some great points.  Click here to read the full article. Hubby and I have been married for 12 years this September.  We've almost divorced several times and we're not afraid to admit that it's gotten that bad.  What has saved our marriage nearly every time is a combination of divine intervention and good, old fashioned stubbornness.  I began to wonder, if I had a top 10 list of what I've found can keep a marriage happy or start to heal a broken one, what would it be?  Here's my attempt at that list:

The days I watch sweet, six week old baby C,  it's harder to blog.  It's hard to take your eyes off of him for even a few minutes.  My big boy and my toddler both love having him here as well.  C is here 3x a week since his Momma has gone back to working and we couldn't be happier to take care of him.  That was one thing I looked forward to when I stopped working - being able to help my friends with childcare as they needed it.

We're almost at the end of Galatians, just two more chapters to go! Normally this is where I'd tell you to leave me a comment below or on the Facebook page if you have a specific book of the bible you'd like to see featured next.  However, pretty soon I am going to debut a new feature so we're going to hold off on picking a new chapter just yet.... that being said, if you have a book of the bible on your heart please don't hesitate to send the suggestion my way!

Big Kid Brag

I'm taking this moment to be such a Mom.  Today was my Big Kid's last day of 4th grade and yesterday was the awards ceremony.  My son walked away with awards for excellent attendance, academic achievement, and excellence in environmental science.  He's very proud of the hard work he put in and is enjoying the rewards of all his effort!

Praise

I have a big praise today!  I've mentioned a few times I have some things that have been burdening me lately.  Despite praying diligently and searching God's word, I hadn't been able to find any peace.  I enlisted several prayer warriors and all of you to lift this burden to the Lord.  Things improved, but I still was facing fear and anxiety on a daily basis.  By Sunday, I no longer wanted to live in fear and anxiety the way I had been.  During the invitation (traditionally this is the time of prayer following a sermon where the pastor invites people to come up front) I went and spoke to our pastor. I let him know my burden and asked him to share this prayer need with our church family.  One of my prayer warriors' family had a prayer need too (if it weren't for her I probably wouldn't have had the strength to stand up there on my own; my legs were shaking so badly).

Welcome Baby Nolan!

First of all, congratulations to my friend Christa who welcomed son Nolan into the world yesterday!  Adelynn is officially a big sister in glory now!  I'm so excited for them to have their rainbow baby AND to have been a prayer warrior throughout her pregnancy (especially during the delivery).  It's an honor and a privilege I do not take lightly.  My heart is just bursting with joy for them!  My cup runneth over and is puddling on the floor.

Our Mystery News

No lamp and light today updates my friends, but if you are following along, today I read Isaiah 55-57.  Mondays and Tuesdays are our weekends (minus our oldest being at school for a good chunk of the day) so I spent it doing family-centered things.  We even got to spend a couple of hours, just the four of us, in our pool this afternoon being silly.  It was a long time coming and memories were made that will last a lifetime!  I hope that we never forget how to just be silly because I think it's even better medicine than just plain old laughter.

Ooooh, the Devil almost got me today!  Here it is, almost 10 a.m., and I haven't even opened my bible yet.  I got up and realized my youngest desperately needed a bath, then getting him dressed but I can't find clothes, but there are so many clothes I can't find anything!  I guess I better sort out the winter stuff.  Oh wait, this 24 month stuff can come out of here too but we'll keep the 2T.  Where am I going to put all this?  I can grab that plastic tub the boys aren't using for toys right now, that'll work.  *sorting, folding, sorting, folding*  I should give these clothes he can't wear to my friend, I wonder what size her baby is wearing now? *gets on facebook to message friend, can't find her* Oh wait, maybe she deleted her facebook account *messages mutual friend to ask*  Well that's dumb, I could just text her.  My little won't give up the cell phone he's watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on long enough for me to text her - mental note, must text her ASAP!

This is how it happens.  The devil distracts us with things that aren't all that important so that we don't get into God's word.  Last night, I began wrestling with something that I feel like God is leading me toward. I'm not 100% sure what to do yet, so I'm reading the word and I'll be seeking out Godly council.  That means I read my bible yesterday morning (for Day 8) and again last night.  No wonder Satan is after me to "forget" to get in the word today.  It's not going down like that you pain in my big toe!  As my Grandma M. used to say "Get thee behind me Satan and don't push!"

My wonderful, hardworking husband let me sleep in a little bit this morning.  Of course, the littles were giving him a run for his money when I arose about two hours later.  Poor guy!  I'm thankful for those little things he does for me.  He's tired 100% of the time and he could have easily said he wanted to sleep instead.  Between working full time and electrical engineering school (he's even in the midst of a physics class) my poor husband brings weary to a whole new level!  I always knew he was super smart, but electrical engineering school has really shown me how incredibly brilliant he is.  I'm so proud of him!

All that bragging to explain why sometimes you get into your bible later than expected.  The point is simply to dig in!  Like a best friend, it doesn't matter when you chat or read each others notes, as long as you converse with each other eventually. Doing it every day makes it possible for you to really get to know one another, develop a deep bond, and trust each other with everything.  God wants to have that kind of relationship with each one of us too!