When you become a Hope Mommy you are quick to realize there are no guarantees. There is no magical week that you pass and suddenly there are safe guards for how the rest of your pregnancy will go.  It's by the grace of God alone we manage to develop from a single celled organism to complex human beings.  Pregnancy, for me, may be the most obvious evidence of an intelligent creator.

Last night was our last group chat for the Hope Mommies bible study.  A comment was made about "ending on a loss"; meaning not being able to have another baby after the loss of a pregnancy or child.  No rainbow baby to hold up Lion King style and show the world how great God is.

That was the moment when God spoke to me.  You see, I have struggled with my self-centeredness and lack of sensitivity since the summer.  I wanted God to show me where I needed fixing and heal those areas.  Friendships may have been damaged irreparably, but I still believe that God placed those people in my life to show me things about myself He needed me to see.  This was one of those times when I needed to have a teachable spirit.

Several of the Hope Mommies talked candidly about not being able to have a rainbow baby and how shattering it is to know they were ending on a loss.  My world halted for a moment. I was transported back to that place where the last thing I would remember about my "child bearing years" would be the loss of our Blueberry.  There is a void, a vacuum, a space in that moment that sucks the air right out of your lungs again.

And in that moment, I understood.

Had I been self-centered?  Yes.  Had I been insensitive?  Yes.  I failed to realize the gravity of "ending on a loss" for someone.  I did not fully understand that very real hurt, void, vacuum, space left in someone's life.  I was not ending on a loss, for me those feelings were temporary.  For someone else, they were all they had left.  God broke my heart for what broke theirs.  He answered my prayers after faithfully looking to him for answers.  He not only showed me where I had gone wrong, but how it had a ripple effect in the world around me.  God also reminded me that forgiveness is His to give and so is healing.

None of us knows what our "ever after" on Earth will be, only God knows that.  Thankfully, I do know what my ever after when I leave this world will be!  I will meet my babies. I will meet the babies of so many friends who've walked a loss journey of their own.  We will live in eternity with our creator and savior, forever together with no more pain, loss, or heartbreak.  We will be made whole again.

I am thankful for the women God brought into my life to teach me where I had gone wrong.  I'm thankful to the individual(s) who were willing to point out an area I needed to give to God for repairs.  You may never know the depth of what God accomplished through you, but I pray that for each moment I have left on this Earth I can use this lesson wisely!

Our year started off with me being sick.  Not just pregnant sick, but pregnant with the flu and sinus infection sick.  To say I was miserable was an understatement, and my poor husband had to take time off of work just to care for the boys and I.  If we're being honest, I barely remember the beginning of the year unless it involved a trip to the doctor's office or pharmacy.  Then on January 19, 2015 our family welcomed Baby R into our midst.  He was a healthy, happy 7lbs 5oz and 20 inches long.

Since then, we have been adjusting to life as a family of five.  I'm fortunate that Baby R has a go with the flow demeanor (for the most part).  Our older boys have been adjusting as well as can be expected; in many ways better than expected.  Hubby and I are thankful my parents were able to come and help for the first six weeks as I recovered from my c-section and we all worked to get to know our newest addition.

As the dust starts to settle, and a fledgling routine emerges, I am working to SLOWLY add things back into my daily life - like blogging.  One of the first things I wove into my routine was bible study.  I have found it helpful to read my bible app during these crazy baby days.  My phone is easier to hold in one hand while nursing the baby, cuddling a preschooler, or helping our big kid.  The bible app I use (from YouVersion)  has different reading plans and I am working on two of them.

The first is called A Minute For Mommy, which helps me keep perspective as I adjust to having three earthly children.  The other is God, Sex And Your Marriage because years ago, we committed to keeping our marriage a priority in our lives and not letting work, kids, or even education become more important than our relationship to each other.  Only our relationship with Jesus Christ should come before our marriage, and when we do that we know everything else will fall right into place.

Thought For Today

I was raised around scouting and along the way I picked up a lot of outdoorsy skills.  One of those being how to navigate in a variety of circumstances.  Maybe you don't have a map and your compass is broken, how do you find your way?

You should have a general idea of the area you're in before you ever ventured out.  Then using the sun (or stars) you get your bearings - north, south, east, west.  From there, you can navigate in the general direction you need to go to reach a major road, town, or something of similar importance.  One thing you learn quickly is if you start walking in one direction, you will veer off course!  Humans for whatever reason can't stay on course no matter what we do.

Skeptical?  Close your eyes and try walking down the middle of a long hallway, eventually you'll bump into one of those walls.  Seasoned navigators will tell you to look at the horizon and pick a focal point; tree, mountain, some kind of landmark where you need to go.  If you keep your focus on that landmark, you will continue to walk in the right direction... even when you veer off course.

Our relationship with Jesus Christ is similar.  Keep your focus on the Lord, and everything else falls into place.  It's a biblical principle!

Proverbs 4:25 ESV 

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.

Hebrews 2:1 ESV

Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.

Psalm 119:105 ESV 

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Luke 12:31 ESV

Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things [verses 22-30] will be added to you.

Even in these crazy days, I know I only need to seek the word of my heavenly Father and everything will play out according to His will for my life.  I don't have to worry about making sure everything turns out "just right" because God is in the intricate details of everything in our lives.

Do I still have bad days?  Yes!  Do I get frustrated, angry, and lose my temper?  Of course!  Does my house stay clean, laundry folded and put away, dishes washed?  Not by a long shot.

It's about keeping perspective and knowing what my duties as a follower of Christ are.  The two main duties in this moment are being a help mate for the man God joined me with and the best mother I can to the boys God has chosen me to raise for Him.  The bible's focus should be my focus.  Being Pinterest perfect or embodying society's idea of the can-do mom is NOT IT.

I love knowing that God is not far away watching things play out, he's right here; within me ever since I accepted Jesus Christ's redemption.  Before Jesus, God was still closer than the air we breathe, just waiting for the day I let him come in.  If the devil is in the details, I'm glad to know that the one who defeated the devil is in charge of all my details!  

As I'm sitting here with what I assume to be a baby butt pushing and rolling around in my uterus it makes me wonder; how can a baby not be a living person until he or she is delivered?  Honestly, this little guy in my womb has just as much personality as his brothers.  He moves, reacts, and wiggles just like they do.  Just one of those passing thoughts I get sometimes as I try to enjoy the last few weeks of our pregnancy.  

Assuming all continues splendidly, our repeat c-section is six weeks away. When I'm not feeling well, that feels like an eternity.  When the anxiety creeps in or I think about how much is left on the pre-baby to-do list, it feels like no where near enough time.  God reminds me daily that he has already planned out the course for us.  He has gone far ahead and mapped out all the details in perfect harmony.

Whether my pregnancy health continues well or deteriorates, good weather or bad, ready or not I know the Creator who hung the stars has already worked out every moment in advance.  All I have to do is trust Him and know that whatever transpires, it is happening according to His plan.  That is what I have prayed for from Day 1 and that's all I can ask for.

As another hope mommy safely delivered her rainbow child this week, my heart was filled with thanksgiving yet again.  God doesn't always answer our prayers exactly in the way we'd want, but when He shows himself mightily, I cannot help but feel gratitude.  Babies seem like the most obvious sign of our creator.  I have come to understand the miracle necessary to simply get pregnant, but then to continue a pregnancy, and deliver a healthy child is a miracle.  

In light, my grateful heart has been enjoying this Psalm over and over lately as I revel in the glory of my Great Big God who I'm thankful to daily serve (even when I fail miserably).

Psalm 138 — A Prayer of Thanksgiving

1 I thank you, Lord, with all my heart;
   I sing praise to you before the gods.
2 I face your holy Temple,
   bow down, and praise your name
   because of your constant love and faithfulness,
   because you have shown that your name and your commands are supreme.
3 You answered me when I called to you;
   with your strength you strengthened me.
4 All the kings in the world will praise you, Lord,
   because they have heard your promises.
5 They will sing about what you have done
   and about your great glory.
6 Even though you are so high above,
   you care for the lowly,
   and the proud cannot hide from you.
7 When I am surrounded by troubles,
   you keep me safe.
   You oppose my angry enemies
   and save me by your power.
8 You will do everything you have promised;
   Lord, your love is eternal.
   Complete the work that you have begun.

Ever since my hiatus, I've been really off my routine.  I always find it interesting how thrown off even the tiniest changes in our day can be.  I can see over the years where I would stop/start doing something out of necessity and it would snowball into a complete change in behavior.  For example, when I went back to work keeping my house was lower priority than time with my kids.  I got out of the habit of cleaning like I did when I was a young homemaker. Despite having been home for over a year now, I still only do the bare minimum and spend more time goofing off with my kids.  Yes, I'm at least spending that time with the boys, but there are drawbacks.  My organization system has crumbled and I've turned into the queen of piles.  When I "clean up" it's usually knocking down piles and picking up messes that creep back within a few hours.

Filling the Tank

Another area in my life that has taken a hit is my bible study.  I was doing so well for a while; purposefully getting into God's word every single day.  The last couple of months I've done a terrible job of opening my bible and reading.  I am still exposed to scripture regularly, which is a huge plus and has probably kept me fueled.  The issue is that being exposed to scripture is like filling a gas tank that has 1/4 left to only 1/2 a tank - it runs out quickly and really affects how well you run.  Purposeful bible study takes a 1/4 tank and fills it up completely.  That full tank takes a lot longer to burn off fuel and you run so much better!

This is me purposing and holding myself accountable to you to read my bible.  I'm looking forward to finding some of the advent scriptures to do with the boys as Christmas approaches.  For myself, I think I'm going to do a more structured study than usual.  Last year, hubby bought me several bible study guides.  The one I really want to do I can't find (not shocking with my lack of organization) so until it turns up I'll work through a book of devotional prayer Beth Moore wrote called Praying God's Word Day by Day.  Since it's already dated, I just added the year for today's date so looking back I can recall when/where I was when I read that page.

What struck a cord with me today is that God is faithful even when we are lacking in our own faith (2 Timothy 2:13) and when we are lacking in our own faith it doesn't change that He is still faithful to us (Romans 2:23).  What he portions out to us is not dependent or proportional to how faithful we are to him.  Thank God for that because otherwise I would be up a very smelly creek without a paddle and there's a hole in the boat!!  

Baby Update!

I haven't posted about our rainbow in a little while so let's do a quick update.   Some of you know I've been reluctant to post a bump pic; especially since receiving some criticism (not wrongly; mistakes were made) for my insensitivity to those who's hearts yearn for a little one. 

That being said, I also feel like God wants me to boast in His glory and His gift in allowing me to carry our fifth child. So thanks be to God that He's given us 29 healthy weeks with Roman Lee!  Yes, we picked a name...

Roman = strong, powerful
Lee = healer

We're prayerfully looking forward to another 10 weeks before Roman makes his debut!  As of today, Roman is 29 weeks old (7, almost 8, months) and enjoys synchronized womb judo, coffee, and Laffy Taffy. He dislikes dinner, Mommy brushing her teeth, and anything touching his bump. 

Ten days between posts is just unacceptable!  I have the best audience ever because you guys stick with me even if I don't post regularly.  For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  :)

What's new?  

J is potty training.  He turns three on the 27th and he's been 70% of the way there for quite some time.  This weekend T is off on a cub scout camping trip so I figured now is the perfect time. Since his class in the church nursery has the teeny-weeny little toddler size toilets and the teachers are good about having them go potty, I figure we have nothing to lose!  Except maybe some money on next month's water bill from all the extra laundry, lol.

At times a girl just needs a break to circle the wagons, regroup, and refresh herself, right?  I'm declaring the hiatus officially over!  Let's jump straight into the updates, shall we?

Blog Direction

I had some character flaws called into account during my hiatus.  That's not a pleasant situation for anyone, but I've learned that God allows people into our lives to show us things about ourselves and each other.  I took the hiatus time to think about what those flaws mean for myself and the blog.  For a while, I seriously considered shutting down God Still Speaks and letting the ashes fall where they would.  After a lot of prayer and allowing God to teach me, I felt like He wasn't asking me to give up, but to refocus my efforts.

If you follow me on social media, you know I did my Day 5 reading pretty late.  The goal however, was to get it done and I did!  Proverbs 15, pictured below pre-highlighter.

Today was a busy one for me.  Not only did hubby and I mark our 12th anniversary today, we had a pool party that ended just an hour before a wedding!  I promised myself months ago this would be my last weekend to double up events.  From here on out, I only do one big event per day.  I'm glad I promised myself that because I'm only 19 weeks (5 months) and I find more and more things becoming a challenge.  I'm still embracing EVERY SINGLE DAY with our little "Cranberry", knowing that our child could be required of us at any time.  As Proverbs 16:1 says: We may make our plans, but God has the last word.

When I get an idea for a blog post, I generally begin a draft and write my "idea" down so I can write the full post later.  Let's be honest, when you have a family to manage you don't always get to write when inspiration strikes.  This particular draft has probably been sitting in my drafts for close to a week now.

Friend and fellow blogger Kristin Schmucker recently posted about how her arms will ache for the child she delivered stillborn.  I also ache often for my children in glory that were lost through miscarriage.  Then I thought about something...  is that ache we feel for the children who are "lost" to us is a glimpse of the ache the Father has for the children who are "lost" to Him.

Because of our fear of enduring another miscarriage, hubby and I had been very careful to avoid the fertile time in my cycle.  One day, I realized that we had been unsuccessful in avoiding it and I was immediately overcome with fear.  Fear, however, does not come from God.  Fear only entered the world along with sin and brought company like shame and doubt.

As I have been learning to do, I began to seek out scriptures to calm my heart and find out what God wanted me to know.  One thing I did was go on Facebook and post the following:
"If you can see this please pick a number between 1 and 1,138 - go high or low. Then say a prayer for me. I'm wrestling with something tonight."

Over the next few days friends from all over the country, who had no idea what I was struggling with, began picking page numbers.  I read each one diligently seeking the truths God had waiting for me.  Not all of them were applicable, but most of them lead me to read more and seek more.  A few were obvious messages from the Lord.  From all the reading I did over the next few days, these verses were illuminated for me, in exactly this order!

Now you get to know why things have been so crazy around here! 

Yes, we're expecting a baby in January 2015.  After the journey we've been on this has been such a time of excitement, joy, fear, and faith.  I'm thankful for so many prayer warriors who have surrounded us and prayed the promises of Christ into our pregnancy.