Count it all joy, my brothers,[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

I've always tried to be genuine, open, and honest.  There is no joy counting here; none.  I'm not running around thanking God for the challenges we've faced this last week.  I have seen God move in our lives though and it always leads me back to this one quote:

“I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages” 

― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

On Friday evening Baby R managed to grab a little kettle of near-boiling hot water restaurants give you for tea and dump it in his lap.  The next 16 hours were all a blur of activity!  After three emergency rooms, two ambulance rides, and a whole lot of prayer warriors we ended up being admitted to hospital with a cutting edge burn center.  Baby R had 2nd degree burns over 8% of his body (read that as the front of his leg, thigh to ankle). We were discharged by the burn center on Saturday afternoon and looked forward to recuperating at home.  Sunday we missed church (obviously) but Baby R played and was his usual self all day long.

Then early Monday morning, Baby R started throwing up.  He couldn't hold down anything, including his pain meds.  Once we hit 12+ hours without Baby R being able to take in any fluids, his burn surgeon suggested we bring him back to the ER because dehydration is a major issue.  Not just for little guys but also for burn victims.  We spent 16 more hours in an ER on Monday, but Baby R was able to get re-hydrated and some medicine to help him keep food and medicine down.  The medical staff assumed it was a virus, likely picked up in one of the ERs so we would just have to let it run it's course.

As soon as he got some fluids, Baby R perked right back up!

Tuesday, our Preschooler J started vomiting.  It was frustrating because we were still exhausted, but also a slight relief because it confirmed that the burn injury had not caused Baby R's vomiting. Whew, I'm putting even the smallest blessings in the win column!  By Wednesday, Baby R and Preschooler J were over the vomiting.  However, Tween T woke up throwing up.  At that point, I started to wonder if we were all destined to succumb to whatever virus Baby R brought home. 

Baby R was trying his best to make Preschooler J feel better.

So what now? What could I possibly take away from this whole ordeal.  First, I have a strange sense of being fulfilled; sustained.  I am tired and overwhelmed, but my soul is filled to brimming.  I started to write out all that I have seen God doing, but the list was getting so long and Baby R is about to wake up.  Maybe one day soon, when I'm rested, I can reflect back and stitch together all God is doing. 

In the meantime, if I don't post much.... you know why.

When you become a Hope Mommy you are quick to realize there are no guarantees. There is no magical week that you pass and suddenly there are safe guards for how the rest of your pregnancy will go.  It's by the grace of God alone we manage to develop from a single celled organism to complex human beings.  Pregnancy, for me, may be the most obvious evidence of an intelligent creator.

Last night was our last group chat for the Hope Mommies bible study.  A comment was made about "ending on a loss"; meaning not being able to have another baby after the loss of a pregnancy or child.  No rainbow baby to hold up Lion King style and show the world how great God is.

That was the moment when God spoke to me.  You see, I have struggled with my self-centeredness and lack of sensitivity since the summer.  I wanted God to show me where I needed fixing and heal those areas.  Friendships may have been damaged irreparably, but I still believe that God placed those people in my life to show me things about myself He needed me to see.  This was one of those times when I needed to have a teachable spirit.

Several of the Hope Mommies talked candidly about not being able to have a rainbow baby and how shattering it is to know they were ending on a loss.  My world halted for a moment. I was transported back to that place where the last thing I would remember about my "child bearing years" would be the loss of our Blueberry.  There is a void, a vacuum, a space in that moment that sucks the air right out of your lungs again.

And in that moment, I understood.

Had I been self-centered?  Yes.  Had I been insensitive?  Yes.  I failed to realize the gravity of "ending on a loss" for someone.  I did not fully understand that very real hurt, void, vacuum, space left in someone's life.  I was not ending on a loss, for me those feelings were temporary.  For someone else, they were all they had left.  God broke my heart for what broke theirs.  He answered my prayers after faithfully looking to him for answers.  He not only showed me where I had gone wrong, but how it had a ripple effect in the world around me.  God also reminded me that forgiveness is His to give and so is healing.

None of us knows what our "ever after" on Earth will be, only God knows that.  Thankfully, I do know what my ever after when I leave this world will be!  I will meet my babies. I will meet the babies of so many friends who've walked a loss journey of their own.  We will live in eternity with our creator and savior, forever together with no more pain, loss, or heartbreak.  We will be made whole again.

I am thankful for the women God brought into my life to teach me where I had gone wrong.  I'm thankful to the individual(s) who were willing to point out an area I needed to give to God for repairs.  You may never know the depth of what God accomplished through you, but I pray that for each moment I have left on this Earth I can use this lesson wisely!

Our year started off with me being sick.  Not just pregnant sick, but pregnant with the flu and sinus infection sick.  To say I was miserable was an understatement, and my poor husband had to take time off of work just to care for the boys and I.  If we're being honest, I barely remember the beginning of the year unless it involved a trip to the doctor's office or pharmacy.  Then on January 19, 2015 our family welcomed Baby R into our midst.  He was a healthy, happy 7lbs 5oz and 20 inches long.

Since then, we have been adjusting to life as a family of five.  I'm fortunate that Baby R has a go with the flow demeanor (for the most part).  Our older boys have been adjusting as well as can be expected; in many ways better than expected.  Hubby and I are thankful my parents were able to come and help for the first six weeks as I recovered from my c-section and we all worked to get to know our newest addition.

As the dust starts to settle, and a fledgling routine emerges, I am working to SLOWLY add things back into my daily life - like blogging.  One of the first things I wove into my routine was bible study.  I have found it helpful to read my bible app during these crazy baby days.  My phone is easier to hold in one hand while nursing the baby, cuddling a preschooler, or helping our big kid.  The bible app I use (from YouVersion)  has different reading plans and I am working on two of them.

The first is called A Minute For Mommy, which helps me keep perspective as I adjust to having three earthly children.  The other is God, Sex And Your Marriage because years ago, we committed to keeping our marriage a priority in our lives and not letting work, kids, or even education become more important than our relationship to each other.  Only our relationship with Jesus Christ should come before our marriage, and when we do that we know everything else will fall right into place.

Thought For Today

I was raised around scouting and along the way I picked up a lot of outdoorsy skills.  One of those being how to navigate in a variety of circumstances.  Maybe you don't have a map and your compass is broken, how do you find your way?

You should have a general idea of the area you're in before you ever ventured out.  Then using the sun (or stars) you get your bearings - north, south, east, west.  From there, you can navigate in the general direction you need to go to reach a major road, town, or something of similar importance.  One thing you learn quickly is if you start walking in one direction, you will veer off course!  Humans for whatever reason can't stay on course no matter what we do.

Skeptical?  Close your eyes and try walking down the middle of a long hallway, eventually you'll bump into one of those walls.  Seasoned navigators will tell you to look at the horizon and pick a focal point; tree, mountain, some kind of landmark where you need to go.  If you keep your focus on that landmark, you will continue to walk in the right direction... even when you veer off course.

Our relationship with Jesus Christ is similar.  Keep your focus on the Lord, and everything else falls into place.  It's a biblical principle!

Proverbs 4:25 ESV 

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.

Hebrews 2:1 ESV

Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.

Psalm 119:105 ESV 

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

Luke 12:31 ESV

Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things [verses 22-30] will be added to you.

Even in these crazy days, I know I only need to seek the word of my heavenly Father and everything will play out according to His will for my life.  I don't have to worry about making sure everything turns out "just right" because God is in the intricate details of everything in our lives.

Do I still have bad days?  Yes!  Do I get frustrated, angry, and lose my temper?  Of course!  Does my house stay clean, laundry folded and put away, dishes washed?  Not by a long shot.

It's about keeping perspective and knowing what my duties as a follower of Christ are.  The two main duties in this moment are being a help mate for the man God joined me with and the best mother I can to the boys God has chosen me to raise for Him.  The bible's focus should be my focus.  Being Pinterest perfect or embodying society's idea of the can-do mom is NOT IT.

I love knowing that God is not far away watching things play out, he's right here; within me ever since I accepted Jesus Christ's redemption.  Before Jesus, God was still closer than the air we breathe, just waiting for the day I let him come in.  If the devil is in the details, I'm glad to know that the one who defeated the devil is in charge of all my details!  

I've been working on the same post for over a week.  Life keeps getting in the way.  Most recently, my big kid has been sick with what I suspect to be another sinus infection.  I did share something with my Hope Mommies bible study group that I wanted to also share with you.

I had this as the wallpaper on my desktop for a long time. So often I'd ask for God to calm the storm and felt like he wasn't listening. Then I realized that sometimes the point is to be a beacon for those in the storm; God would keep me calm so I could help others see how much of a difference he could make in a life seeking him. As a side note, we're doing a series in Sunday School about "overcoming" - being faithful in the trials and tribulations. We're reading about Joseph's life and challenges in Genesis. This morning we were reminded, even when we find ourselves in "the pit," and you simply can't understand why, just keep doing whatever God has given you the gift(s) to do and eventually you'll find out.

Many friends and loved ones are walking difficult roads right now.  We can say we have faith, trust God's plan, know better days are ahead.  We may even believe it; but what do you do when it's more than you can take to simply put on foot in front of the other?

I'm reminded of a night, just before Christmas, when I was still in training at the restaurant.  We were exceptionally busy and I was running circles - bread, beverage station, bar, appetizers, salads, entrees... I was running an inside marathon!

My feet, legs, and hips ached in ways I couldn't describe.  My head was throbbing and I was so tired I couldn't see straight.  I remember I had just picked up an order of drinks and was headed down the hallway to my section.  That hallway was maybe a few dozen feet, but in that moment, it was miles!

In my heart and head I begged God for help.  I could barely move under my own power and we weren't even through the dinner rush.  How could I put one foot in front of another when my legs felt like they would give out with each step?!  God, help me.  I can't make it through this night without you.  You said in our weakness we will be made strong.  I'm so tired. Hurting so much.  I can't go on without you!  Please just keep me moving!!  Don't let me fall...

I barely remember the rest of that night.  Its like a scratched DVD that skips and hops all over the place.  I plastered on a smile around customers and winced in agony in the kitchen.  I tried to convince myself I'd survive when I was pretty sure I was about to drop. At the end of that shift, I remember sitting in my car thanking God for every ounce of endurance He gave me.  I knew, in that moment, that I could rely on Him to help me make it when I just don't have the fortitude to do it on my own.

We all have those moments.  Maybe yours is physical.  For some it's mental, emotional, even spiritual.  Dare I say, a combination of them all?  Sometimes we don't have the wherewithal to keep moving.  Our agony is too great, the burden too heavy, and our bodies are about to buckle under the strain.

This is where lots of people say "God will never give you more than you can handle".  I don't believe that, although my Mom and I have agreed to disagree on it's scriptural authenticity.  I believe God often gives, Christians especially, more than we can handle.  Why?  Two reasons.  (1) To make sure we remain reliant on Him, lest we start to believe we can handle this life thing all on our own.  (2) To send us running back to Him and His word so we can be more fulfilled by Him. 

I have learned an important lesson the last couple of years. When the going gets tough, run to God.  He's waiting for you to simply trust Him to do what He's promised.  What did He promise exactly?  The Bible is filled with his promises to us so I encourage you to begin there.  

Here's a sampling of the promises I stand on when I can't stand on my own.  What are some of your go-to verses when the storms rage?

—Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

—Matthew 11:28-29 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

—Isaiah 40:29-31 "He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."

I kid you not, I have seen/heard the phrase "parenting sucks" a lot over the last 24 hours.  Maybe it was the blood moon last night/this morning but something was definitely in the air with the kids!  Our toddler was LITERALLY bouncing all over the place right up until I tucked him into bed.  Mom found a vulgar phrase scribbled inconspicuously on one of our big kid's worksheets from school.  It was a downhill from there.  Hubby and I were so at a loss for what we should do next that we sent the kids to bed and spent the rest of the evening staring blankly at each other, totally speechless, and out of ideas.  At least we're in this crazy thing together!

This morning I was reminded of a devotional I did for a dear friend's baby shower last month.  I talked about a lot of things - what makes a good mother, nurturing a mom, working moms, and evil mommy guilt.  At the end, I shared this with her along with friends and family who were there:

At times a girl just needs a break to circle the wagons, regroup, and refresh herself, right?  I'm declaring the hiatus officially over!  Let's jump straight into the updates, shall we?

Blog Direction

I had some character flaws called into account during my hiatus.  That's not a pleasant situation for anyone, but I've learned that God allows people into our lives to show us things about ourselves and each other.  I took the hiatus time to think about what those flaws mean for myself and the blog.  For a while, I seriously considered shutting down God Still Speaks and letting the ashes fall where they would.  After a lot of prayer and allowing God to teach me, I felt like He wasn't asking me to give up, but to refocus my efforts.

What about Day 3 you might ask?  Yeah, I fell off the wagon only three days in!  Every time I set my mind on reading, something happened that required my immediate attention.  (Dirty diapers wait for no wo-man!).  The wonderful thing about how I've structured my life is that I was still exposed to scripture throughout the day, so even when I'm running non stop, I still get hit with some scripture.

As you might have seen on the Facebook page, our friends lost their home and possessions in a fire yesterday.  I am fortunate to have never been through a fire, but I've been close enough to people who have to know the sense of loss is shattering.  Please be in prayer for this family as they work through the weeks and months to come.  Everyone was safe and they are staying with family nearby.  Our church family has rallied around them to try and meet as many needs as we can.  I ask that you lift them up today and ask God to respond to every need in abundance!  A fundraiser page has been set up and if you visit it,  you can see images of the damage the fire caused: http://www.gofundme.com/dzt0w4

For #lampandlight we're picking up where we left off; in Proverbs 14.  The last few days around here have been a test of our patience; so I was floored to read Homes are made by the wisdom of women, but are destroyed by foolishness.  Proverbs 14:1  First of all, I don't feel very wise most of the time.  I am so thankful that God has sent me so many friends who are wiser than I am.  Titus 2 talks about the older women teaching the younger women, and I'm thankful to have women in my life who will do just that.  I have reached out so many times with a need to be counseled in a Godly way.  Proverbs 14 hit several areas of my own foolishness over the years and I can see specific moments in my life where I have been on both sides of this verse - Wicked people bring about their own downfall by their evil deeds, but good people are protected by their integrity. Proverbs 14:32

I'm thankful that God has changed my heart and allowed me to learn lessons that have stuck with me over the years.

This verse has come up a lot over the last couple of years, and I never really understood it:

Ephesians 6:12 (ESV)
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

You might notice, that's the English Standard Version.  If you know me, you know I do my reading at home from the Good News Translation.  Here's how the same verse reads from GNT:

Ephesians 6:12 (GNT)
For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world, the rulers, authorities, and cosmic powers of this dark age.

For once, a different translation doesn't do too much to help with understanding, at least it hadn't for me.  I didn't really understand this verse for a long time.  It's only been recently that I've begun to be able to see how this verse applies to our human experience. I've really had to pray for God to give me the words for this post; for Him to bring clarity and understanding that only He can provide.  I certainly cannot do it alone.

When I get an idea for a blog post, I generally begin a draft and write my "idea" down so I can write the full post later.  Let's be honest, when you have a family to manage you don't always get to write when inspiration strikes.  This particular draft has probably been sitting in my drafts for close to a week now.

Friend and fellow blogger Kristin Schmucker recently posted about how her arms will ache for the child she delivered stillborn.  I also ache often for my children in glory that were lost through miscarriage.  Then I thought about something...  is that ache we feel for the children who are "lost" to us is a glimpse of the ache the Father has for the children who are "lost" to Him.

Because of our fear of enduring another miscarriage, hubby and I had been very careful to avoid the fertile time in my cycle.  One day, I realized that we had been unsuccessful in avoiding it and I was immediately overcome with fear.  Fear, however, does not come from God.  Fear only entered the world along with sin and brought company like shame and doubt.

As I have been learning to do, I began to seek out scriptures to calm my heart and find out what God wanted me to know.  One thing I did was go on Facebook and post the following:
"If you can see this please pick a number between 1 and 1,138 - go high or low. Then say a prayer for me. I'm wrestling with something tonight."

Over the next few days friends from all over the country, who had no idea what I was struggling with, began picking page numbers.  I read each one diligently seeking the truths God had waiting for me.  Not all of them were applicable, but most of them lead me to read more and seek more.  A few were obvious messages from the Lord.  From all the reading I did over the next few days, these verses were illuminated for me, in exactly this order!

Now you get to know why things have been so crazy around here! 

Yes, we're expecting a baby in January 2015.  After the journey we've been on this has been such a time of excitement, joy, fear, and faith.  I'm thankful for so many prayer warriors who have surrounded us and prayed the promises of Christ into our pregnancy.  

I originally intended to keep all the updates on Jon Jon from Momma bear in one post, but it might get a little hard to follow.  I'll keep links in the bottom to previous entries in case you are following along with his progress.

Yesterday, Jon Jon has his second of many surgeries.  Momma Bear always explains it best so I'll give you a direct quote:

No Hell for me, thanks!  I'm already too hot and I'm only in North Texas!  We're quickly approaching our first 100° days of the summer; this is when I get most uncomfortable.  I wish we had an electric-included apartment where you can crank the air conditioner down into the 60's and just bask in the frigid, but alas we have our own home with an electric bill to pay.  So for now, I'll have to make do with what we have, and even though it's not great I thank God for our central AC and two smaller window units to keep us cooler in here than we would be out there.

That was the title staring me in the face when I opened Galatians 6 (where I left off in my blogging the bible endeavor).  I have such a testimony unfolding about reaching out to your church family when you are in need and being supported prayerfully, lovingly all along the way.  I cannot wait to tell you about it, but that's another post for another day.  For now, let's conclude our walk through Galatians!

This morning several friends posted an article from the San Francisco Globe called "10 Habits of Happy Couples".  It is an interesting read and makes some great points.  Click here to read the full article. Hubby and I have been married for 12 years this September.  We've almost divorced several times and we're not afraid to admit that it's gotten that bad.  What has saved our marriage nearly every time is a combination of divine intervention and good, old fashioned stubbornness.  I began to wonder, if I had a top 10 list of what I've found can keep a marriage happy or start to heal a broken one, what would it be?  Here's my attempt at that list:

Praise

I have a big praise today!  I've mentioned a few times I have some things that have been burdening me lately.  Despite praying diligently and searching God's word, I hadn't been able to find any peace.  I enlisted several prayer warriors and all of you to lift this burden to the Lord.  Things improved, but I still was facing fear and anxiety on a daily basis.  By Sunday, I no longer wanted to live in fear and anxiety the way I had been.  During the invitation (traditionally this is the time of prayer following a sermon where the pastor invites people to come up front) I went and spoke to our pastor. I let him know my burden and asked him to share this prayer need with our church family.  One of my prayer warriors' family had a prayer need too (if it weren't for her I probably wouldn't have had the strength to stand up there on my own; my legs were shaking so badly).

This morning I am humbled at the number of prayerful friends who have taken on my current prayer need.  I hope that each of you reading this has your own group of prayerful friends.  Those people who will take your needs straight to the throne of God on your behalf.  I hope my prayer warriors see this and know how much it means to me.  I love you all immensely!  The wonderful thing about prayer is you don't always need to know what you are praying about, only that there is a need.  For example, when I was laboring with my 2nd son, he started having a crisis, I asked my husband to simply post a request for urgent prayer on my Facebook account.  It was not only amazing to see the response from my friends (who I knew were stalking me for baby news) but to also see prayer work!  My son recovered from the crisis and we had the peace and wisdom to make the necessary decisions to ensure he was delivered safely.  This is him today, my living example of a prayerful intervention:

Galatians 1-2

What I love about Galatians is that Paul spends time setting everyone straight on what is right (the gospel that Jesus taught) and what is wrong (our man-made traditions we've tacked onto it that Jesus never taught).  I think every Christian needs to review Galatians regularly in order to maintain a honest perspective on what Jesus taught!  Of course, if you are reading your Bible regularly it should be much easier to give ideas on the gospel a litmus test for accuracy.  When we don't read our Bible, that's when the evil one can manipulate our understanding.  Don't forget - that sneaky turkey knows every word of God's truth better than any human being.  Why?  He lived with God in heaven before he got too big for his own britches; but I digress....

The first part of Galatians is Paul explaining why he has the authority to say what he says.  You, like me, may have a tendency to skip past this because we already know that Paul was one smart dude and knew what he was talking about.  However, consider it in context.  Paul was an extremely religious Jew. He upheld all the laws, better than many of the Jewish leaders.  If righteousness with God was achieved through keeping the law - Paul was THE GUY.  What Paul is saying is if he, THE GUY, was wrong and wasn't made right with God without Jesus, then everyone else is really in trouble.  Food for thought....

I am not one of those folks who can run around saying "Happy Memorial Day."  Why?  Because it's equivalent to running around on the anniversary of my Great Grandmother's funeral saying "Happy Funeral Day!"  Memorial Day is very personal for us, we have those friends who gave the ultimate sacrifice; they died upholding of the oath they took.  It is our job to uphold their legacy, ensure none of them are forgotten, and celebrate a life well lived.  So yes, we will BBQ today; even in the rain.  We will eat, drink tea, and be merry with friends because if our comrades were still alive, they would be here too!  We will tell stories of the old days and remember the shenanigans of years gone by.  In our hearts, these men and women will live on until we take our last breath and meet them in glory!

Yes, my #lampandlight study should be moving into Galatians, but in honor of true heroes, we're going to focus on my husband's favorite verse.

John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

In John 15, Jesus was talking with his disciples about loving each other the way he loved them.  That included being willing to die for the sins of every human who ever lived.  Why is this significant to many who have served?  On the surface, it's pretty simple.  To die in place of another is a demonstration of love beyond what most of us will ever know.  It's also incredibly honorable.  Jesus threw himself on a grenade (God's wrath) to save sinners.  Much in the same way, many men and women  have willingly stepped into harms way to protect their brothers and sisters in arms.  Not just during the conflicts my husband has been a part of, but every conflict in the history of the world and every corner of the world.  

Now, that is just one meaningful verse out of an incredibly meaningful chapter.  If you read all of John 15 (which you know I'm going to tell you to do) Jesus begins by giving the disciples and illustration about grape vines.  The most concise way to explain it is Jesus tells them he is the grape vine and we are the grapes.  God the Father is the "vinedresser" or what we might simply call a gardener.  God is pruning away the bad fruit so the vine will produce more good fruit.  I like John 15 because it's a reminder that if we are genuinely chasing after Christ, we are going to be pruned.  Areas of our lives that do not bear good fruit are going to be pinched off.  That area will heal and then produce better fruit then it ever had before!  

Then we get into the section that contains verse 13, were Jesus reiterates that the greatest commandments are to love (God and one another specifically Matthew 22:36-40).  Jesus also explains to the disciples why are not servants but friends.  Jesus has chosen them to go and bear fruit for him.  

I hope that my life bears that kind of fruit.  I pray that my life is lived in a way that honors the legacy of the men and women who demonstrated the greatest kind of love, a shadow of my Savior's love for all of us.  

Live big today, for each person who wishes for just one more day.

I had originally made a goal of getting out every day during summer break and I tried it out this week.  By the time I dragged my sore, exhausted body into bed last night I knew had to modify that plan quick!  Today I have no energy or motivation to do anything that doesn't require minimal energy expenditure! Before you start picturing me sitting in a chair covered in cheese puff dust I still have my big kid's rocket to finish for scouts tonight (he did most of it), a busy into-everything toddler to chase, and gobs of housework to be done...  I'm just doing it all much slower than usual.

Speaking of my kids - y'all pray for me.  I've been having a very hard time keeping my temper in check the last couple of weeks.  I'm sure it has a lot do to do with my due date coming up but my patience and self-control have flown the coop.  It's going to take a whole lot of divine intervention to get us all back to a good place.  I'm struggling and I'm finally willing to admit it, even though several of my friends already knew, thankfully they have found ways of delicately calling my bluff.