Less than three years ago I remember sitting in a small group nearly in tears as I listened to a couple nonchalantly talk about praying and reading their bible together. At the time, I didn't know what it was like to have a husband who loved the Lord, let alone one who would pray and read his Bible. This journey we've been on has been incredible. I could easily spend the rest of my life just boasting on what God has done in the last three years. Sometimes I wish I just had a day where I could just sit and blog, especially right now. I have all this joy and no where to put it all. My cup has runneth over, poured onto the floor and is puddling in the hallway. Remember:
How God has moved in my life, and where he has brought me, makes me want to scream from the rooftops. But since I don't feel like being hauled off in a straight jacket in the foreseeable future, I'll stick to blogging in installments instead. It has taken me years to live this amazing experience so it's going to take much more than a single blog post to share what God has done!
I guess it really started years ago but the main part of this story starts simply enough in June (2012) when my supervisor moved away. I was asked to fulfill many of those responsibilities in the interim. I was excited and nervous, but felt entitled to take on this new challenge. I heard that small, still voice saying "be careful what you wish for..." but I didn't listen. That voice was drowned out and my desire to "move up" (and all that comes with that - pride, power, status, envy, paranoia, etc.) was stronger than my desire to live the Christian life Jesus desires for me.
In October our Sunday School class began talking about idols in our lives. I wondered: what are my idols? What was standing in the way of having a closer walk with Jesus? Spending time in God's Word, lots of prayer, and talking with trusted friends was starting to help me see: I had an idol and it was really dug in! You might remember my Ivy metaphor from an earlier post titled Devil Still Whispers. This was really the time that helped me come to that understanding.
After a few weeks of seeking Jesus' face, I was ready to take a step beyond myself. It happened on Friday, December 7, 2012. I started my morning conversation with my Savior, which consisted of the same question over and over: Is work my idol? Is my job standing in the way of knowing You? The more I 'achieve' the unhappier I get, is that a sign? Slowly the answer become clear: Y E S. I prayed: God, whatever my idol is, if it's work or anything else, I ask that you'll remove it. I'm terrified to pray this because I know whatever comes next probably won't be pleasant. But I'm trusting you Lord. You've promised peace and I believe that. Please don't allow my sin nature to rule this part of me anymore. If it means demoting me - do it. If it means taking my job away - do it. I'm not ready, but I'm not ready to keep on this path either. I ask you to do what must be done to live Your will for my life. In my Savior Jesus' name - Amen. *Silence* No burning bush, no angelic appearing, no wild winds sweeping through the room... just the sound of the shower and a surrendered heart. Well, OK then, that was anti-climactic - it was 6:30 a.m.
Fast-forward passed the commute I'd been making for the last 4 1/2 years. Passed clocking in at work, turning on my computer and getting my morning coffee. As I dug into my day, a voice over the intercom asks me to come to the conference room - where I was terminated. o.0 It wasn't an angry-boss-yelling-so-hard-his-face-turned-red termination... in fact I don't think I'm capable of explaining what happened in that room to anyone who wasn't in there. All I can to say is this: I appreciated that more than you'll ever know. I also can't explain the feeling that came over me in the midst of it. I wish I could and maybe one day I'll find the words... I was relieved? Was that even possible? Yes, it was totally possible, because it was God.
In my car I took stock: Prayed around 6:30 a.m. for God to remove my idol from my life and by 9:30 a.m. I was unemployed. I was shocked at how fast God worked, it had never happened like that for me before. I sat there and said "OK God, we're in this thing together. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm ready to ride!" What happens next is even more incredible, but that's another post for another day!
As for the elephant in the room: why did they terminate me? I'm still seeking God's guidance on how, or even if, I should address that in such a public format. So for now I'll say this - I let my sin get the best of me. I did something that was completely wrong, unethical and reprehensible. Irreversible damage was done and undermined everything - my integrity and the ability for anyone to trust me. I completely understand why they had no choice but to terminate me. I take full responsibility for my actions and have no one else to blame.
What we think is a mountain...
is smaller than a fraction...
of only a teeny sliver...
from a single atom...
within a grain of sand...
to our Heavenly Father.
How God has moved in my life, and where he has brought me, makes me want to scream from the rooftops. But since I don't feel like being hauled off in a straight jacket in the foreseeable future, I'll stick to blogging in installments instead. It has taken me years to live this amazing experience so it's going to take much more than a single blog post to share what God has done!
I guess it really started years ago but the main part of this story starts simply enough in June (2012) when my supervisor moved away. I was asked to fulfill many of those responsibilities in the interim. I was excited and nervous, but felt entitled to take on this new challenge. I heard that small, still voice saying "be careful what you wish for..." but I didn't listen. That voice was drowned out and my desire to "move up" (and all that comes with that - pride, power, status, envy, paranoia, etc.) was stronger than my desire to live the Christian life Jesus desires for me.
In October our Sunday School class began talking about idols in our lives. I wondered: what are my idols? What was standing in the way of having a closer walk with Jesus? Spending time in God's Word, lots of prayer, and talking with trusted friends was starting to help me see: I had an idol and it was really dug in! You might remember my Ivy metaphor from an earlier post titled Devil Still Whispers. This was really the time that helped me come to that understanding.
After a few weeks of seeking Jesus' face, I was ready to take a step beyond myself. It happened on Friday, December 7, 2012. I started my morning conversation with my Savior, which consisted of the same question over and over: Is work my idol? Is my job standing in the way of knowing You? The more I 'achieve' the unhappier I get, is that a sign? Slowly the answer become clear: Y E S. I prayed: God, whatever my idol is, if it's work or anything else, I ask that you'll remove it. I'm terrified to pray this because I know whatever comes next probably won't be pleasant. But I'm trusting you Lord. You've promised peace and I believe that. Please don't allow my sin nature to rule this part of me anymore. If it means demoting me - do it. If it means taking my job away - do it. I'm not ready, but I'm not ready to keep on this path either. I ask you to do what must be done to live Your will for my life. In my Savior Jesus' name - Amen. *Silence* No burning bush, no angelic appearing, no wild winds sweeping through the room... just the sound of the shower and a surrendered heart. Well, OK then, that was anti-climactic - it was 6:30 a.m.
Fast-forward passed the commute I'd been making for the last 4 1/2 years. Passed clocking in at work, turning on my computer and getting my morning coffee. As I dug into my day, a voice over the intercom asks me to come to the conference room - where I was terminated. o.0 It wasn't an angry-boss-yelling-so-hard-his-face-turned-red termination... in fact I don't think I'm capable of explaining what happened in that room to anyone who wasn't in there. All I can to say is this: I appreciated that more than you'll ever know. I also can't explain the feeling that came over me in the midst of it. I wish I could and maybe one day I'll find the words... I was relieved? Was that even possible? Yes, it was totally possible, because it was God.
In my car I took stock: Prayed around 6:30 a.m. for God to remove my idol from my life and by 9:30 a.m. I was unemployed. I was shocked at how fast God worked, it had never happened like that for me before. I sat there and said "OK God, we're in this thing together. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm ready to ride!" What happens next is even more incredible, but that's another post for another day!
As for the elephant in the room: why did they terminate me? I'm still seeking God's guidance on how, or even if, I should address that in such a public format. So for now I'll say this - I let my sin get the best of me. I did something that was completely wrong, unethical and reprehensible. Irreversible damage was done and undermined everything - my integrity and the ability for anyone to trust me. I completely understand why they had no choice but to terminate me. I take full responsibility for my actions and have no one else to blame.
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Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests to made known to God. — Philippians 4:6